I was recently reading an article from Money Talk News about how online dating produces stronger marriages. The author quoted a study stating that online dating tended to lead to more satisfying relationships because the people that used these services tended to have better impulse control, motivation for a long-term relationship, and were more selective in their choice of potential mates.
Then I read another article about how dating sites’ claims that their mathematical algorithms lead to happier relationships is completely bunk. Critics say there’s no research that supports any of these claims that dating sites have found some sort of scientific secret to matchmaking.
So what gives? Is online dating worth it?
Online Dating: Searching for True Love as a Hobo
I met my husband online four years ago and we were married last October. I owe the beginnings of my be-yoo-tiful relationship to my love of wearing homeless clothes. Seriously, my desire to look like a hobo created a perfect opportunity for me to find a boyfriend-turned-husband. How so? Observe:
One of the pros of online dating is that I could search for true love while wearing a ratty t-shirt and dodgy sweatpants in the comfort of my own home. I would park myself on the couch, boot up my laptop and commence Operation Soul Mate with a rerun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer playing in the background.
Now I’m not an isolated shut-in living in some shack, à la Unabomber, but I enjoy hobbies that cut down on eye contact and meaningful conversation. I find that after eight hours of saving the world in my social work job, I’m pretty much done engaging with people. I have friends and I do go out and have fun but I like my alone time.
Cue online dating. I can get the ball rolling from the comfort of my living room – complete with homeless clothes. Drive-thru order dating, coming right up!
Online Dating: eHarmony and the Cost of Finding Everlasting Love
There’s a tonne of different online dating services ranging from Plenty of Fish, free and easy to sign-up for, to eHarmony, expensive and labour-intensive to join. Reportedly, Match.com and eHarmony are the most popular sites for meeting and greeting your potential Mr. or Mrs. Perfect.
eHarmony: I signed up for this site and ran the gamut of their 300 question survey that gauged my personality and measured my best matches across “29 dimensions of compatibility”. You’re going to want to set aside two hours and a whole lot of patience to slog through this process.
Also, eHarmony will cost you. A lot. For one month, you’re looking at $59.95 for one month, $39.95 for three months, and so on down to $19.95 twelve months (each price is based on per month).
I signed up for the three months and got a lot of interesting matches. You also get to skip the inevitable “ermahgerd, u r so hot” that you get with some of the cheaper and free sites because eHarmony doesn’t seem to have that same super-young sketchy guy/girl set.
The other good thing about eHarmony is that the whole process forces you to think carefully about what you look for in a partner. All of a sudden, you’re thinking about extrovert vs introvert; independence vs togetherness; openness to new experience vs love of routine. It can be a good trip down psychology lane.
Generally I found eHarmony to be too much of a production. After you went through signing up and filling out their surveys, there’s a whole song and dance involved in starting a conversation with a potential match called “guided communication”.
“Guided communication” takes you through three stages of question exchanges and top ten “must have” and “can’t stand” lists. There’s just way too much science and math sitting in the middle of my social interactions. To be fair, you can “fast track” your communication and skip over rigmarole.
Most other sites like Match.com, Lavalife, or Plenty of Fish have free options that let you explore their sites to varying degrees. However, “quality” pre-packaged dating choices are going to cost you – much like it’s convenience food equivalent.
Online Dating: Relationships with Dressing on the Side
One of the biggest complaints I’ve read about online dating is that it takes romance out of the equation. All of a sudden, it’s about surveys, profiling, and algorithms.
It’s about strategically chosen pictures and the perfectly crafted profile. It’s a consumer product that you can customize – hair colour, height, weight, white, black. You name it, you can search it.
There’s usually some sort of time factor involved in your custom orders as well. Often, when you see advertisements for sites like eHarmony or Match.com, it goes like this: professional woman has a busy and important schedule that’s too full to find love in the traditional sense. Enter stage left: Online dating site to save the day! .
Luckily, woman manages to find time to go for coffee and the next thing you know there are pictures of the happy couple laughing together and riding a bicycle built for two on a sun-drenched beach. Science can now find you the perfect partner so you don’t have too! Love according to your preferences – and your timetable!
I say ‘Bah!’ People who don’t have time to meet people because they’re too busy probably don’t have time to date or have a relationship either. I liked online dating because I got to meet people I wouldn’t have otherwise have met within my social circle. Loving the convenience of being able to meet people online is one thing, being too focused on my career or other priorities to make time is another.
Also, I think there’s lots of room for romance despite the questionnaires and algorithms. It might look different than two people who met squeezing melons in the produce aisle of the grocery store but there are still all the same steps to meeting someone in ‘the real’. Just because I know that my intended coffee date likes thai food and the colour blue before our first real introduction doesn’t mean there isn’t mystery or excitement when you first meet.
Regardless of whether you met your dream date through super-science or you made eye contact across a crowded room, love can grow where ever it’s planted. Online dating might seem too 21st Century, too consumerist, and too sanitized but I’m a true believer that people will always find a way to make it work – no matter what the package. Happy hunting!
For my paired-off people, how did you meet? For my single mingles, have you tried online dating?
PS – I met husband on Lavalife
*Images used under a Creative Commons Licence (Flickr)
I met my wife the old fashioned way and never really ventured into the world of online dating. But I don’t really see why it would be inherently better or worse than the alternatives. In any case, you have to get to the know the person to decide if they’re right for you. How that process starts is pretty irrelevant. I know plenty of people who have found their boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse online and their relationships are no different than anyone else’s. You just have to do what works for you.
You’re right, Matt. The beginning isn’t nearly as important as the present or future.
I met my hubby online as well! I didn’t like the idea of meeting someone at a bar or club and online seemed like the perfect way to get to know someone a bit first before meeting. We chatted a bit online, a bit over the phone, and when we felt comfortable, coffee which turned into dinner and a walk around the city.
It takes time, but finding someone the “traditional” way can too, in fact, it can take longer if your not putting yourself out there or aren’t going to enough social functions to meet new people.
I know what you mean, Morgaine. I work in social services so if I had to wait to come across a guy I wanted to date in a field consisting of 98% women, I’d be waiting a long time!
I felt too weird at bars and clubs were cluttered with 18 year olds – not my target demographic! Online dating completely opened up my list of potentials!
My husband and I met online at OkCupid! I know of at least 2 other couples that met their spouse’s on that site as well!
I think I know more people right now that have met online than I know people who met in “real life”. Online dating has been a great thing for meeting people that aren’t in my social circle! And it sounds like it’s worked for others,as well!
There used to be a stigma attached to online dating but these days, I can’t tell you how many people I meet who met their spouse through match.com or some similar site. I do agree that it broadens your pool of potential mates, since within your social circle, sometimes the pickings are slim! 🙂 I met my husband the old-fashioned way in college, but I think online dating is definitely worth exploring for those still searching for their soul-mate.
Hey Shannon
I know it always felt kind of weird to have to pay for a service to meet people – something I should have been able to do by just getting out more. But I really liked the interesting kinds of people I encountered – dashing Brazilian doctor, quiet nerdy engineer, student ten years my junior…etc., it was really fun.
“ermahgerd, u r so hot.” lol!!! I have gone back and forth about online dating and I’m always putting it off because I spend SO much time at a computer, the last think I feel like doing is yet another project on the computer. The downside is I’ve been single FOREVER even though I’m in the “target rich environment” of playing beach volleyball. One of these days I’ll have to get back into it.
Hah! There was never a shortage of “ermahgerd” on Plenty of Fish – sometimes it was pretty funny!
I don’t blame you for avoiding my computer stuff if your job is all computer, all the time.
Being single has it’s upsides as well! You’re right, beach volleyball is a helluva target rich environment (hehehe…awesome!. Happy hunting, bud! (That is, if you’re hunting right now)
I loved this post – I know exactly what you mean about coming home and not really wanting to go out, but being okay wearing ratty clothes and reading profiles online… that’s how I met B (on Match). Pending it doesn’t become a long drawn out email conversation (which I don’t recommend to people since I think people start romanticizing people that way), I don’t think it’s that different from meeting people in real life. I would recommend online dating to anyone, and there’s so many cool new dating sites out there now to choose from.
I’m glad you like the post! It was fun to write!
I agree that waiting to meet people and having long drawn out email conversations just makes things weird and pressured. I did some longer email conversations with people that were longer distance but my most successful online experiences were always with people I met in real life more quickly.
I am now online dating. Initially I was really resistant to it. But, I just attended my best friend’s wedding. She met her husband online. I am now embracing it and just looking at it as a way to expand my possibilities! I work in Education and there are way too many women so it’s hard to meet men. So, I am doing what I have to do. Enjoyed the post.
Good for you for trying something new, Michelle! Expanding your man possibilities is always a good time. Happy hunting to you, friend!
Very well said. So well said that although I have only just stumbled upon this blog, I will add you to my reader.
I met my boyfriend drunk in a bar. And if that’s not more romantic than online dating, then I don’t know what is! I also once got asked out in a bookstore, and I have to tell you, it was really a lot more creepy than it was romantic. (Granted, I was like 18 and he was like 30, and asked me to go have a drink when I was so not legal to drink and it was like 2pm, so that all probably factored.)
I think part of the reason online dating turns to marriage so often is that the people who do it are actually looking for serious relationships. When I start dating people, it’s usually on accident. And then after I realize we’re dating, I’m like shit, where is the exit?? With the exception of my current relationship. Which will likely end in marriage. Because, full disclosure, I totally signed up for a dating site about 6 months before I met this beau. Because I was actually looking for a serious relationship this time around. (I left the dating site because I got matched with an exboyfriend, and I realized he would probably get matched with me, so I freaked out and deleted my account immediately. In hindsight, there’s probably a block feature… but I was freaking out. Also, that is points towards the math all really working, because we were actually very compatible. Our fatal flaw was that he wasn’t quite attractive enough, which is the one factor that dating sites can’t really measure well. Mostly because everyone lies about it.)
I approve of online dating and think that it could work excellently for certain people. Although my cousin just divorced the guy she met online. But I think she is a closeted lesbian, so we’ll just drop that data point.
LOL,I met my very first serious boyfriend at a bar while drunk! We were together for two and half years but ultimately, we were too different.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say that people who sign up for dating sites (under long term relationship options, anyway)are looking for marriage and that’s why it can be so successful.
Congrats on finding your current beau and thanks for all the asides about random facts in your life (lesbian cousins!), very cool!
Haha. I found my bf through online dating. One day I will post an article on how we met because its really a funny story. I would highly recommend online dating but you just have to be smart about it. There are more creeps than knights in shining armor for sure!
I can’t tell you how many creeps I met while online dating! The super-pervs were the worst. However, once you wade through them there can be some pretty awesome people!