The interesting part came when I started reading the comments. There were a number of readers who had posted some rather pointed observations about some of husband’s and wife’s decisions and they were not happy about it. Granted, some of the reader comments were a little sharp with their feedback but the wife and husband were pretty harsh in their replies. Initially, I was pretty perturbed that bloggers would treat their readers so disrespectfully when they were honestly trying to help.
After some thought, I realized that the husband and wife team were fairly new bloggers and were feeling pretty vulnerable about what they were sharing. It seemed they felt attacked and were on the defensive – regardless of how polite a commenter’s disagreement.
This whole thing just got me thinking about what we, as personal finance bloggers, put out there every week:
Personal Finance Blogging: The Good
Photo Credit: Allie Brosh
We share big pieces of our lives and put out numbers for the entire world to see that most people won’t even discuss with their nearest and dearest. Every personal finance blogger is different with what they share but, regardless, it’s generally a lot. It’s more than just being honest and accountable. We make ourselves vulnerable and hope that our readers can relate and feel empowered by our experiences. It’s a huge risk.
When I’ve posted something and a reader has called me on my shit, it’s very humbling. I don’t always like it. But I always listen. If I’m going to post everything on the internet, I should probably be ready for the internet to post back.
If you’re really sensitive or unsure about your opinions, running a personal finance blog might not be the right thing for you. The internet can smell fear from a mile away and it will bite you sometimes. Kind of like a rabid skunk. I don’t think you need to be the Terminator and never feel anything but you should at least try and deal with it appropriately.*
Personal Finance Blogging: Dealing with the Bad & Ugly
Readers that bother to read the article and then actually post their thoughts on my blog are awesome. It’s like all cool and reader engagement-ey. I still get excited when someone disagrees with something I’ve said, I feel like I’m doing something right if people are putting that much effort into commenting.
This falls into line with something I wrote last week about ‘Becoming a Financial Adult’. In it, I talk about how the people in my life are choosing to spend their time with me and that’s a gift. This extends to readers on my blog. If my readers are choosing to share their opinions and understanding with me, I need to respect their contribution by thinking through everything they’re saying and giving them a fair response.
The term ‘respect’ does not mean anything else than what it means. It does not mean agreement or even appreciation for everything that’s said – it just means respect. If someone disagrees or is being unfair to me with a comment, I’ll take the time to explain my perspective. If that fosters a good discussion then good times! I’m a happy camper. If not, oh well. Turning it around and talking about how everyone is trying to judge me is not going to win me any Victim Awards. If it does, that’s even sadder.
If I make a mistake, I own it. I don’t generally feel that admitting to a mistake or ‘agreeing to disagree’ makes me less of a person. As a personal finance blogger, I need to manage my shit when I start getting defensive or annoyed about something. Crying wolf persecution every time someone asks me a question is going to get really old, really fast. In fact, I’m going to start looking really crazy:
So what do we do as personal finance bloggers when we’re feeling under fire from our readers?
I think this one of the big reasons why it’s so important to build a network within the community. Sometimes you just need to vent with someone who knows exactly what you’re talking about. I know of a personal finance blogger friend that recently went through a difficult time with a site that harshly criticized her on a personal and professional level. She reached out to some of her friends and was honest about how it affected her on her blog. My PF blogger friend was the Dalai Llama of class and restraint.
Here’s an obvious one but it bears mentioning: Step away from the keyboard and take a breath. What looks really heinous on the first read can look quite different when you’ve taken some time and come back to it later. Just go out and do whatever helps you get unstuck emotionally. Once you’re feeling more Zen, come back and review everything to see if your first reaction was accurate.
Just shut it down. If a reader is misbehaving and it’s really bothering you, just cut off the discussion. It’s your blog and you’re the Master of Your Universe. I know some people feel strongly about not editing or cutting comments but if it’s driving you to distraction, fuck it. You don’t really have to prove anything to anybody. As someone once said to me, “[you] have the bully pulpit here”.
This is more a proactive suggestion but think really carefully about what you want to share on your blog. Be honest with yourself and know your weak spots. If you know someone saying something about that issue is going to unhinge you – just don’t do it. It’s not worth your grief. Readers are only entitled to what you wish to share with them. No more. No less.
Think ahead and have a plan in place for how you’re going to respond to haters. If you plan for how you’re going to handle certain kinds of comments, you’ll be able to roll with punches and come out looking like a champ. People might still give you an emotional black eye but at least you have Operation Destroy the Infidels Cool à la Cucumber to fall back on.
It’s a complicated issue and I can imagine that more than one of you is chomping at bit to say your piece. It’s touchy and everyone has different standards for what’s okay for them. In the spirit of fair play, I notified my unnamed debt blogger friends that I would be writing this post. I did not write this post to make them feel bad but I think they helped me make a point about what can happen out there. For better or worse, people will say their piece and we have to be ready for it. Thoughts?
*Disclaimer: I’m not talking about crazy troll commenters that just say random, crappy things to antagonize everyone. Those commenters are a completely different breed and need to take a long walk off a short cliff.
I find that sitting behind a screen gives people courage. For both the good and the bad. Some are willing to leave comments saying things they’d never have the guts to say in person. Comments should be supportive and constructive. If they disagree that’s good. Controversy is good. But say it with tact and respect.
I agree – comments should be positive and constructive. An active discussion is healthy and educational if it stays on track. It becomes problematic when things get nasty because it shuts down communication. People get stuck when that happens and everyone leaves feeling crappy. Nothing good comes from that!
Sitting behind a screen does give people courage and that can be good and bad. I think there needs to be respect and civility but there also needs to be room for other perspectives.
For example, wife blogger posted that one of their budget lines was $100 a month on salon visits for hair cuts etc. While I don’t have a problem with it personally (they were making good progress on debt repayment) there were some commenters that challenged her a bit on that cost.
Her replies were very caustic and defensive. I posted that because it is a “debt” blog, she might want to consider being a little more open-minded about receiving feedback. They didn’t respond well to that. Mind you, my reply was not overly supportive. Honest and mostly constructive, but not supportive.
Long story short, the whole thing could have gone better if they were feeling more solid about what they were putting out there.
One of the reasons I don’t like to put to much personal things on the internet. It can be taken the wrong way and you can put your family in harms way. I agree though if you put your stuff on the internet be ready for any and everything. People who read wont always agree and some dont know how to verbalize. Then just like the couple some reader will take the post as pointing them out even though you dont know them. Comments are good whether they are good or bad. At least someone is actually taking the time to read the post.
I think it’s smart that you’ve taken the time to think through your comfort level about what you post online. Everyone has a different comfort level and knowing your own is super important. I throw quite a bit of information out there but only after discussing everything with my family. After all, they’re part of my life and deserve a say in how things look on my blog. Cheers!
Excellent post, Lindsey! I think part of handling this type of stuff just comes from having more life experience too. I’m at the age and have been through enough crap where I’m eager now for the honest advice of readers. I think it’s important to remember that really, we’re (and our families, of course) the only ones that have to live with our decisions, and if someone else thinks it’s the wrong decision, we just have to choose to take their two cents but still remember that the one we have to face in the mirror every day is “us”. This is why I like what you said about handling things with class. If you have clean hands, so to speak, when handling a touchy situation or comment, it’ll sure be easier to let it go.
Hi Laurie! I was wondering about the life experience thing. I am pretty solid in myself and generally feel okay if people want to challenge me a bit. I have my off days where I don’t react well but those are not very common. Like you, I love honest feedback – it helps me think through everything and see stuff from different viewpoints.
Since I don’t know what blog post or blog you are talking about, if the bloggers were just irrationally lashing out at their commenters then that’s no good but I get that when you put something out there that’s really personal and get a bunch of commenters disagreeing with you or telling you you are wrong, that’s tough to deal with. I’ve had some pretty mean comments, and with those I usually just delete them because I know I’m gonna say something mean back. It’s best to just avoid.
I think it’s hard for people to get negative feedback sometimes. I don’t like being disagreed with in fifteen different comments but, then again, if people are reacting that strongly and consistently – maybe I need to rethink it.
These bloggers were misbehaving and getting pretty sarcastic with their readers. It wasn’t pretty.
I think as a blogger you have to be willing to accept your vulnerability. You have to be open to all kinds of comments both supportive and constructive. I do hate third grade name calling though. It’s not necessary if you disagree with what was written. Luckily I haven’t really had to deal with that yet. In that case I think it’s perfectly acceptable to delete the comment and it’s always best NOT to engage. I think some people just love a good argument. ugh!
I haven’t encountered anything that juvenile either – at least not very often. Being vulnerable means opening yourself up to people and then letting them have their say without completely shutting them down. I think people forget it’s a two step process – throwing out the Information isn’t enough, you have to remain open long enough to hear people’s responses.
Hey Lindsey, great post here, which, is no surprise. What is surprising is how some blog owners treat readers. I couldn’t imagine being harsh in a comment even if the commenter didn’t agree with my views. I love blogging but, I could see how it could be frustrating and a bit scary for the right type of person. Thanks for the great post as always…I’d love to see you in conversation over at CNA some time!
I was surprised too! I’d never seen bloggers respond like that either. I could see where they were coming from but their responses were just too defensive to be helpful to their readers or themselves. I will definitely come and join CNA conversations. Cheers!
I feel fortunate that my commenters has thus far been respectful and supportive overall. I have absolutely seen comment disintegrate into insults and put downs, which makes me sad. As you said, we control the comments because we hold the almighty delete key. I want to respect disagreeing points of view but if they are offensive to me or another commenter, I wouldn’t hesitate to delete their comments. It seems like when you allow one insult to zing that it just becomes acceptable from everyone. Healthy debate is great but some people can’t debate without getting cruel. And there is definitely a subset of people who seem to enjoy wreaking havoc from the safety of their computer.
Yeah, keeping healthy debate around is key and nothing shuts that down faster than name-calling or nasty remarks. There’s nothing wrong with deleting a comment(s) that is going to create havoc for no reason.
Nice, thoughtful piece! Thankfully I haven’t gotten too much hate mail yet, maybe just people aren’t noticing my blog yet. 🙂 I understand that bloggers spend a considerable amount of time to craft their articles and it becomes very personal. But that’s part of blogging. If you’re only looking for blog love, keep it between you and your family.
I know I’ve voiced some disagreements in the past, not meant to offend anyone, comments are there to invoke a discussion (not to pump my ego). I’ve had a couple of articles where not everyone agrees and that’s fine (it’s their loss, just kidding :D), but it helps me to rethink what I wrote. Was I wrong? I often wonder, if looking back on some of my stuff years from now, if I’ll still think the same of it and have the same opinions.
But ya I have no time for those crazy troll commenters. There’s no need for that. I’m not sure what people get from it, but it always amazes me, especially on the political sites. Even take a quick look at any of Obama’s tweets. Some of the responses are disgusting.
I have also written articles that people sometimes took issue with but I think that’s part of the fun. If everything I wrote was neutral, middle-of-the-road, and sanitized – I think I’d be missing out on a lot.
Blog love is great but it’s not everything.
It definitely sucks to be criticized. To keep from posting the first thing that pops in my head (usually defensive and slightly catty), I get away from it for a few minutes. After I’ve calmed down, I can post a thoughtful response. Some people only comment negatively, but I refuse to let them turn my site negative. Kill them with kindness and move on with your day :).
That’s a really great policy. I have to be honest and admit that I haven’t always responded well but I’ve learned it’s braver to be open and vulnerable than it is to be mean and defensive. It’s not always easy but I usually learn something along the way. Cheers!
No comment. Do I still get awesome points? 🙂
No, I do think as a blogger one should expect that negative comments are bound to happen. I haven’t experienced that yet, fortunately, but I do believe you shouldn’t get into blogging with the mindset that you have to defend yourself to every difference in opinion.
I don’t think it’s about expecting the worst out of people, it’s more playing the laws of averages. Eventually, some one is going to come along and disagree with something you say. It’s just inevitable. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just a thing.
Also, people will usually encounter haters at some point in their blogging career. I have a strategy in place for how I want to respond to these people. I don’t like being sideswiped or surprised more than I have to be so I plan for all eventualities. Good and bad. It’s my nature. Everyone approaches things differently though.
I think you make an excellent point in that you might not be able to do anything about a negative comment, but you can you do anything in the way you choose to handle it. I think it helps knowing that, for the majority, PF community and people in general are fairly good overall, so why expend energy on the negative ones when you can just focus on the positive ones. They’re the ones more deserving of your time, if you ask me.
yes, you make a good point. Rewarding people who misbehave is counter-productive. If they’re being awful and they get attention for it, they’re more likely to come back and do it again.
Personally, I like a lot of “colour” in my debates. If someone expresses their thoughts in a strong or challenging way, I don’t always mind. It gives the debate a zing if there’s a certain emotional engagement present in people’s responses. But, there is always a line. Cross it and I’ll bounce you.
As strange as it may seem, I almost feel like my blog will have “made it” once it gets utterly flamed and trolled by somebody. Almost seems like an internet right of passage. I only hope I can remain calm when that happens and make the distinction between someone trying to have an open and honest debate and the evil, evil, trolls.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between honest opinions and trolls – depending on languaging. Like you, I just want to speak my piece and get my message across without being super nasty. And sometimes, I will need to take a breath or ten before I can respond. All part of the fun, I suppose.
Couldn’t agree more that dealing with disagreement is part of putting yourself out there. It’s pretty unreasonable to expect that everyone will agree with you all of the time. Personally, I actually wish there was a little more willingness to disagree. Not to get nasty, but just to voice opposite opinions. It’s ok to disagree. It’s actually beneficial.
With all of that said, I can definitely feel defensive when someone voices a dissenting opinion. I just try my best to respond in a level-headed manner. Most of the time I still think they’re wrong and will explain why, but try to do it with facts rather than emotion. But sometimes I’m legitimately wrong and, as you say, it’s simply an opportunity for us to admit our mistakes and be better. I actually just this week got a post out of a couple of commenters pointing out things I had missed in another post. Free material! Thanks guys!
I would love more disagreement as well. I love our PF community but sometimes it feels like we are a herd of stampeding bloggers, running from site to site so we can agree with each other. I wouldn’t mind for someone to say “Lindsey, that’s not the greatest idea you’ve ever had.” And I could be like, “Oh wait, yeah. I guess planning a $30,000 around-the-world vacation is not the best idea if I have $50,000 worth of debt”. That stuff is super helpful!
I like your insight here. As a still kind-of-new-blogger, I haven’t run into any negative comments. I really do like hearing from different points of view, though. When I am challenged to think differently, I’ve learned something new. However, calling people names/being sarcastic isn’t going to help anything, so I agree that handling things with class is the best option. I wouldn’t be surprised if they lost readers over their comments.
I haven’t run into a lot either. I think you grow with the readers that choose your blog. They know what to expect with you and you know what to expect with them. It tends to work out well for the most part. 🙂
I thankfully have never had to delete comments besides some spam comments, but maybe that means I’m not writing controversial enough stuff. I actually don’t think there is a problem with deleting comments (even if Holly from Club Thrifty says deleting comments is for pussys!) because I feel like it’s your “property” and if a comment is clearly being disrespectful to you or others I think it should be deleted.
Those are my thoughts. If I find something really upsetting, then it’s gone. Very simple. I don’t feel any need whatsoever to power through feeling crappy if there’s an immediate and simple solution to the problem. Deleting something doesn’t discredit you. And if it does. Oh well – who cares? If I’m discredited with whoever, then that’s the price I’m willing to pay.
Being a new blogger, thankfully I have not entered into such negative comments situation. Definitely I do respect my reader’s comments as thought process varies for each person. You should be open to disagreements also as every reader may not agree with you
I think it’s important to have different opinions when you’re blogging. While it’s uncomfortable to have people disagree with you sometimes, it’s worth having the diverse opinions to learn from. It’s all a balancing act. Too much of any one thing and it gets overwhelming.
At the end of the day, these are other people’s choices that should have zero effect on our own lives. It’s nice to provide support, but why try to convince other people of doing something the way that you would do them? I guess it’s just a community with a lot of loud voices and opinions.
True enough. It’s not worth letting people get to you with their comments when you have a plan that works for you.
For me, I want to leave room for other possibilities. Blogging is an online conversation and what’s the point if I’m too set in what I’m doing to not hear what other people are saying. I want other people to offer their opinions and experiences if they think something isn’t going to work out. It helps me grow.
I haven’t had any really harsh comments yet but I know they will come and how I handle them is something I will take time over and hopefully address in the right way. Like many others, I share things on my blog, personal thoughts and feelings about my situation, that I wouldn’t even share with family and friends. But doing this helps me go forward with what I need to do. The support which I’ve received and hopefully which I will continue to receive will keep me going in the face of negative comments.
I don’t criticize peoples’ personality, and while I can appreciate the idea behind: “share big pieces of our lives and put out numbers for the entire world to see”, that doesn’t quality one to give financial advice. So yeah, you’ll probably be taking some flak here and there.
I haven’t been to this blog before so I have to ask: is that “Credit Card $10,500” number correct? HOLY. MOTHER. OF GOD. Fix that! Like immediately! This is not a “hater” talking, this is someone who cares enough to not coddle you and instead tell you the truth. That number is massively coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. A hater would tell you that you absolutely should not be giving anyone ANY money advice if you have 10K on your MasterCard. Instead, I am begging you to get rid of that.
Is this negative? I’m not sure. Is it negative to beg a smoker to quit before they give non-smoking advice. …Meh, it’s probably a grey area.
Hi Edward, I fully support what you’re saying on every front.
Sharing big pieces of my life and putting out numbers for the entire world to see does not qualify me as a financial expert. Flak is to be expected here and there. And if someone isn’t challenging me every once in awhile, then I’m not creating an environment that fosters health discussion.
And the Visa balance is $10,500. It’s completely shameful. I don’t think you’re being a hater, I think you’re being a normal person having a normal reaction to a stupidly unbelievable credit card balance. That shit is off the hook crazy.
And finally, reality isn’t negative. It’s reality. If I can’t handle reality, then I need to get off the internet.
Truly, thank you for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate it. I will always welcome your feedback.