I have some extra money this month because I got paid three times; I received a nice expense cheque; and I kept back the rent money to use for other expenses. Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying attention so I went a little crazy with some of the spending. I don’t regret all the spending though:
– I spent $215 on food and dining this week. Yes, that’s right. This week. Yikes! Clearly, this needs to get back to something more reasonable.
– I spent more on health and wellness, like physiotherapy for my back problems. I have decided that these things will help me stay mentally and physically fit and are worth the investment.
– I booked a night in Banff at a nice hotel for our wedding anniversary. It’s our first year anniversary and we wanted to celebrate by getting away. We’ll take in some of the sights, have a nice dinner, and enjoy our posh hotel. There are definitely cheaper ways of celebrating our first year and you know what? It doesn’t matter.
Life Under Construction:
A couple things you might notice if you follow my numbers:
– I won’t be putting as much towards debt repayment
– I will be putting more towards health expenses – gym, physiotherapy, massage therapy, etc.
– I will be putting more towards weekend getaways and vacations because sanity is really useful in every day life
As a reader, this might be disappointing from someone running a debt blog. Shouldn’t this be about someone ready to make the sacrifice? Someone who is willing to take-no-prisoners in the fight against debt? Sell my car, ditch my Iphone, forgo all earthly pleasures and move back home to save money. That’s what it’s all about, right?
I had drunk the raspberry Flavour-Aid – Jim Jones style – and was a hardline, unquestioning, believer. I wanted to live off gruel and wear potato sacks until my debt was paid. My family was understandably less enthusiastic than I was but I knew I would convince them.
Then something changed. Suffice to say, this shit just did not work. As much as I wanted to be better than I was, I could never live up to my Financial Mother Theresa ideal.
That ideal is what sunk me. It was rigid and unforgiving.
It denied my ability to make mistakes and learn from them. My mistakes were intolerable to me. And because they were intolerable, I had to expend energy pushing them away instead of fixing them.
It cut me off from other people who might teach me, help me, or just support me. My belief was that I didn’t have anything to offer people if I wasn’t this perfect ideal. From there, it was a hop, skip and a jump to “If I have nothing to offer people, why should I expect them to offer me anything?”
I eventually realized I could not power through this five figure problem the way I might the last five minutes of a run.
Screw you perfection, there is no room for you in my life anymore.
I resolve that I will not be a victim-martyr of my financial situation anymore. I will live my life and pay off my debt at the same time. I don’t really know how to do this but I’m devoted to learning, trying, making mistakes, and trying again. I still need a budget, boundaries, and financial goals but this is only part of the picture. My whole goal is working towards a better me, not a perfect me.
Thanks for reading, I can’t wait to do this with you guys.